How to Date in Today’s Society?

This is a question I received in a Facebook group. I want to give a few suggestions and recommendations to help singles to navigate through the challenges of dating in today’s society. As we know, there are many different avenues available to meet or connect with other singles. There is face-to-face dating, online dating, as well as a friend or family may introduce you to someone. Dating means you are gathering data to determine if the person is a potential mate. This data gathering process is only needed if you and the person is wanting a relationship.

I think the first steps is to define dating mean to you. Some singles may find themselves in a situation where they have recently met someone and was invited on a date to get acquainted. This type of event could be very platonic and never lead to any type of a relationship. I suggest singles go into this type of situation with a friendly and opened mind. Enjoy the opportunity to get to know someone new, and not read more into it than that. I suggest this type of date should include friends, or other couples. Invite the person to a group or family event to avoid the pressure of spending one-on-one time with someone you don’t know. If the person ask to see you again after that initial date, then that will let you know there may be an interest there. At that time you can determine if you are interested in them and want another date to learn more about them.

On the other hand, dating may be a situation, where you have passed the getting acquainted stage and you are seeing this person on a regular basis. Dating has become a weekly event and have been happening for an extended period of time. You have become very transparent and open in your conversations. Also, you have discussed plans for the relationship to be long-term and the end goal is to one day be married. I recommend this level of dating should be for the purpose of marriage. We do not want to become mentally and emotionally connected to someone who do not desire to be your spouse.

If you are at the stage of dating someone to one day marry, here are a few tips to help you to keep God first in your relationship. You don’t want to make a life changing decision based on any thing other than God’s will for you life concerning marriage.

1. Define the relationship in the early stages. Ask key questions that are related to morals, values, spiritual, mental, emotional and physical needs. Where is the relationship going? What’s the goal of the relationship?
2. Connect with a credible couple for accountability. You and your mate should be transparent with this couple, and trust the God in them to advise you in your relationship.
3. Keep your flesh under control. Do not allow physical attraction and sex to be the foundation of your relationship. Sex will cloud your thinking and cause you the miss red flags. A marriage built solely on physical desires will not be able to endure the challenges that comes with marriage.
4. Do not become distracted by other relationships. Stay focused on what God is saying to you about your relationship. Do not compare your situation to what you see others are doing. Let God be your guide.
5. Do not build a relationship on potential. We can not change a person into what we want them to be. What you see, is what you get. Potential is possible, but change only happens if the person is willing to invest in themselves to make that change. If potential and possibility never happens, you subject yourself to a lifetime commitment with years of heartache, pain and disappointment. Only God can change the heart of a man.

If there are more questions about this subject, I will continue this blog at another time to further discuss techniques to solidify a healthy relationship. I hope this helps!

Be blessed,

Janice

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Words of Inspirations

Thankful

T =      Transform (Romans 12:2)

And be not conformed to this world: but be ye transformed by the renewing of your mind, that ye may prove what is that good, and acceptable, and perfect, will of God.

H =      Heart (Proverbs 4:23)

            Keep your heart with all diligence, For out of it spring the issues of life.

A=       Anoint (Psalm 23:5)

You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies; You anoint my head with oil; My cup runs over.

N =         New  (2 Corinthians 5:17)

Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; old things have passed away; behold, all things have become new.

K =      Kindness (Galatians 5:22)

But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, longsuffering, kindness, goodness, faithfulness,

F =       Faithful (Psalm 37:3)

Trust in the Lord, and do good; Dwell in the land, and feed on His faithfulness.

U =      Unity (Psalm 133:1)

Behold, how good and how pleasant it is For brethren to dwell together in unity!

L =      Love (Romans 5:8)

But God demonstrates His own love toward us, in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us.

Self Care

This is a subject that I am experiencing now in my life. I have come to the place where I realize the importance of self-care. As women, we have been taught and conditioned that it’s ok to neglect everything about yourself to help and serve others. Yes, I agree it good to help others, but it’s not good when we totally neglect ourselves to do for others. When we pour out from a depleted place and never find the time to get refilled, we end up in a place of emptiness and brokeness. While we are dealing with this it leads to exhaustion, depression and frustrations. Then we feel we have been taken advantage of, mistreated, used and abused, but in actuality we allowed ourselves to slowly drift in a low place. Putting the best on the outside, smiling when we feel like crying, and taking on more when you know you don’t have anymore to give. If we can just learn to say “NO” and realize we are not everyone’s savior. We are not called to fight everyone’s battle, put out all the fires and to fix everyone or everything that is broken. Within this past year, while in therapy, I found out how unhealthy I have become mentally, emotionally, spiritually and pysically because I over extended myself in places, things and situations, that God never told me to be involved in. I got off from track from my God ordained assignment helping others. I have waisted so much time doing things without consulting God. In the last phase of this year, God is helping me to detox, detach and cut off those things that are unhealthy. He is helping me each day to focus more on my gifts which I am now finding to be such a fulfilling and peaceful place.

Friendship Tips

Today, one of my greatest goals is to show myself friendly to others. I want to build a community of healthy friendships. Proverbs 18:24 say, “A man who has friends ^[a]must himself be friendly,
But there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother.” I know this statement can be easier said than done.

Healthy friendships are hard to come by. Let’s first define what is a true friendship. I believe a true friend is someone who will allow you to be transparent without judgement, know how to activetly listen and who are willing to adress my good, bad and ugly in love. Also, I believe forgiveness and sacrafice plays an important role in friendships. But in all that I have listed, I think these characteristics should be equally shared among everyone involved. No one is perfect, but even in the mist of imperfections, we should all show love towards one another. I don’t think love should only be labeled as good, but love also should be displayed when you are telling me that I am wrong. A good stiff conversation wraped in loved can save a person from traveling down a road of distruction that can end in heart ache and pain.

Some people have been hurt by friends and are afraid to trust again. Yes, Isolation and lonliness is a common concern I hear from singles and divorcees. But this does not have to be your story. In my next blog, I will share several resources that are helpful with connecting and meeting others with common interest or hobbies. I am going to challenge you to come out of your comfort zone and try something new to create fun friendships. Stay tuned for our next segment!

Relationship Tips

Where would we be without relationships? We were created to relate to one another. One of the greatest relationship example we have is how Christ relates to us. His love is unconditional and his forgiveness never ends. He is patient and kind at all times. He sacraficed his life to save us. What or who can ask for a greater relationship than this?

I think communication is key to a healthy relationship. The lack of communication can quickly destroy a productive relationship. Relationships can be illustrated in many different ways; love, friends, and family. I believe when love is involved, relationships are built on committment and sacrafice. A healthy friendship can lead to a lifetime relationship. Among family, there are relationships we can’t avoid. We may not like each other, but we can’t get away from each other because we are family. I believe there are six key factors we must address within ourselves before we can have healthy relationships:

Self-Awareness

Reflection

The Risk

Our Fears

Emotional and Mental Health

My Past

In the next blog, I will address all six areas that affect how we relate to others. I want to address all the myths, issues and fears of relationships. We are going to discover and discuss what it really takes to have a healthy relationship among friends, family and business partners.

Marriage Tips

I love family and I believe marriage and family is vital to our well-being.  Relationships and marriage affect every area of our life. We all have family members and friends who are either in a relationship, seeking a relationship, engaged or married. On the other hand, we all know someone whose greatest desire is to meet someone special, to one day get married and have kids.  Often singles are misunderstood.  Statistics tell us that more than 43 percent of all adults in the US are single. (DePaulo, 2009)  There are some singles that are single by choice and love their singleness.  I don’t have a problem with understanding their views.  I myself have been single for a long time and enjoy my single life.  I would love to marry again, but I want to have a better understanding of relationships and marriage before I make a commit to someone special.  As life changes happen, we try to learn from our mistakes so when the next opportunity comes by, we can do better.  I have made a promise to myself, my next marriage is for life and divorce is not an option.  

I believe friendship is important to having a healthy relationship that will lead to marriage. Friendships usually begin when outside circumstances allow you to meet someone special.  As an acquaintance, you quickly discover you both have mutual interest.  Afterwards, the relationship grows and you both begin to build trust and understanding which leads to you becoming friends.  A strong friendship will be the springboard for beginning a healthy relationship.

Sex does not always lead to love.  I’ve noticed this is a major confusion among singles as well as couples.  Most friendships that begin with sex end in disappointment and confusion.  Yes, I believe it’s important to be physically attracted to the person you one day want to marry, but if the only attraction is sexual, the foundation of the relationship is faulty and once the sparks go out, there is nothing the couple have to hold their relationship together. I don’t have any data to support this statement, but I have seen from personal experience, most marriages based on sexual fantasy and perverted thoughts end quickly in divorce.   

Often we assume that love means the same thing to everyone, but in most cases no two people view love in the same way.  In marriage we hear again and again, “I just don’t love him or her anymore’ or “I love him, but I’m not in love with him.”  What this usually means is that a particular quality a person desires in love is missing or has changed in the relationship.

Because I have experienced separation and divorce on personal level, I continue to research how to bullet proof marriages from divorce. It doesn’t make sense to continue down the same road, doing the same things and expecting different results.  I believe relationships are vital and should be viewed as such.  Divorce is painful for all those who are involved.  It has a detrimental effect on kids and most spouses have a hard time developing healthy relationships after being divorced.  Statistics show 67 percent of those who marry a second time have a higher chance of divorcing than those who marry for the first time. (US Divorce Rates and Statistics)

How Journaling Changed My Life

I want to share my story of how journaling became therapudic and healing for me. I would have never had an opportunity to sharpen my writing skills, if it wasn’t for journaling. In addition, I may have never discovered my love for writing and journaling if I did not start to write my thoughts on paper. Journaling has been one of the most rewarding things I have included in my time of meditation and reflection.

One of the first places in my life journaling became necessary, when I had no one to talke to. I began writing letters to God. At the end of each letter, I would write a prayer or confession related to whatever was on my mind at that time. I would begin my letters with, “Dear God” and my thoughts would begin to flow from there. Sometimes, before I realized it, I have written five or six pages without stopping. I believed once I addressed my issues, concerns, and questions to God, I went to sleep assured that God would give me direction and guidance in my life. In addition, in my letter to God, I can be as transparent as I want to be, and never had to worry about what I said being told to someone else. God was my confidant and friend.